Monday, June 16, 2014

Question

"Why did you put poop in Ernie's mouth?"

I know my toddler is going to start asking "why" questions soon, but I have a list going of my own for when she learns the meaning of the word.

I can't wait for the answers.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

What happens every time we go on vacation

Let me set the stage.  It's almost 11pm the night before our mid morning flight (surprise - I refuse to do early morning flights).  I have spent the entire day doing laundry, cleaning, setting up pet shit for who ever will keep our animals alive, keeping a toddler alive, and any other projects I suddenly decided out of pure neurosis had to be completed before we leave on vacation (omg, this dress I bought for little ev!! what about that photo shoot I had been wanting to do!  Let's f#$%ing do that shit right now so I don't forget!).

Though I've cleaned all day, the house is a total shit hole and no closer to being clean than when I started, the 7 loads of laundry I did are piled on our bed so high that they brush the ceiling (hey, I haven't even packed yet, why would I put clean laundry away?), and all the shit and snacks I got to entertain a toddler on an airplane are randomly distributed throughout the house in the target bags I brought them home in two days ago.  Some of their contents have been picked at and then hidden throughout the house in places I thought would be special and easy to find.  Did I mention I'm also 12 weeks pregnant and a hormotional/physical mess?  I feel like that's important to mention.

Me: I'm going to have to get pants in california.

Him: Why?

Me: *desperate exasperation* Because I literally have no pants.

Him: *notices I'm wearing no pants* (I took them off to wash them, you'll see why)  I see that.

Me: No. I have exactly two pairs of pants that fit over my ass right now.  Two.  I have some tight, uncomfortable ones that I'm bringing out of desperation, but I didn't have time to go get down my maternity pants from the attic to get more pants that would fit over my ass, and it's just too late for that now.

Him: *commences emergency shoulder rubbing* Why are you so upset?  We're only going to be there for 8 days.


Me:  *manages not to punch him in the face while this plays in my mind* Because my shoulders hurt, my neck hurts, my throat hurts, my back hurts, I'm completely exhausted, miserable, starving, I'm not packed, and those two pairs of pants that fit over my ass?? Are dirty.

Him: ....  wanna screw?

It's funny that he's so afraid of flying.  By the time we get in the airplane, I really don't care if that fucker goes nose first into the ground (jk plane gods, jk).  And I told him this time he's only allowed to get drunk if he also gets our toddler drunk, cause I'm not entertaining her by myself in a hole the size of a dog kennel for 6 hours.

Yay, vacations!!

Friday, May 16, 2014

Baby leashes

Some people judge those who buy leashes for their children.  I'm like... does it come with a muzzle?

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Him and little dogs

I'm trying to convince him to get a little dog.... have been trying for years.  So I finally decided on a new tactic... pushing for a really really old little dog.  That way it'd die soon. 

Men are logical creatures and I feel like this will go over well as long as I don't mention that vet bills will be astronomical to keep the thing alive for as long as possible. 

If you're reading this, B...  I love you. (You knew I was like this when you married me.) 

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Things I say to or about my one year old daughter and dog

  • Commands and Rules
    • Stop eating that!
    • Drop that.
    • Don't lick that.
    • Sit.
    • Stand up.
    • Lay down
    • Time for bed.
    • Where's the ball?! See the ball?!  Go get it!
    • No biting.
  • Frequent Exclaimations/Questions
    • Get him off the carpet!  S/he's puking!
    • She's got something in her mouth.
    • Wanna go for a walk?
    • Where's her leash?
  • Waste related
    • She just peed.
    • Are you pooping?!
    • I found it in his poop.
    • Her poop was all [insert adjective] today.  It was weird.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Dirty little secrets

I still vividly remember falling in love with my husband.  I rememeber him being all mysterious and so damn sexy I could hardly stand it.  We've been married for a respectable number of years now, and he's still so damn sexy and I can't get enough of him... but now what makes it fun is that all those secrets of his that used to make him so mysterious are mine.

Him: Work is calling.  Can you pause it?  I don't want them to know I'm watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.