Dirty little secrets

I still vividly remember falling in love with my husband.  I rememeber him being all mysterious and so damn sexy I could hardly stand it.  We've been married for a respectable number of years now, and he's still so damn sexy and I can't get enough of him... but now what makes it fun is that all those secrets of his that used to make him so mysterious are mine.

Him: Work is calling.  Can you pause it?  I don't want them to know I'm watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

this is how I feel today

that's what...

While making dinner...

Me: I hate it when you cook the burgers and they get all super tiny, but then the buns are ENORMOUS.  Who wants super enormous buns and tiny burgers?  [pause, giggle] That's what she said!

Mr. Ev: Rolls eyes I hate my life.

This happens at least once a day.

what's up with all the mini van hate?

You know I've havin' enough babies someday to get a mini van.  And I am going to love it.  I can't wait for the first time Bring Sexy Back comes on the radio while I'm in that thing.  Can't. Wait.  I only hope that I have school aged children by then and that I am dropping them off at school.  And?  That it's one of those mornings where I've herded all those children to the car in mah PJs with my hair in a cyclone on the top of my head while trying to mask my morning breath with a pack of bubblicious.

Do they make droopy drawer sweatpants that say "MILF" across the ass? 

How to *properly* medicate your dog

It is important to know how to medicate your dog correctly, so that the experience will be a pleasing one for him.  This ensures that next time he needs his medication, he will come running for it!  I think the movie, Bourne Legacy, does a fantastic job at illustrating the *proper* way to medicate an animal.

First, explain to your dog in calming manner what you're about to do to him.



Let's have a bit of medication, hm?  I could rub your tummy first...



You might get this response:



The cheese was stale last time, you asshole.  Just TRY and medicate me.

 He may proceed to run after you in a fit of murderous rage.  Be sure to catch him in a snare. (you were supposed to set that up earlier.  I hope you read through ALL of the instructions before doing this).

Shoot dog's friends.

THIS IS HOW I MEDICATE YOUR FRIENDS.

All of them!

WE WERE ALL OUT OF AMERICAN AND THAT CHEESE WAS EXPENSIVE!

Tackle dog from snare.

Thrust stick between jaws.  This is a comfort measure.

I'LL TAKE THE CHEESE!  I'LL TAKE THE CHEESE! OMG, PLEASE.  GIVE ME THE CHEESE!

Insert medication like so.

Gently hold jaws together to ensure swallowing, while speaking in soothing tones.

STOP TRYING TO SPIT YOUR MEDICATION ALL OVER MY NEW HOBO GLOVES!  THIS IS TO MAKE YOU BETTER!

Congratulations!  You've medicated your dog! A well medicated dog will leap over logs, literally following you to the ends of the earth to receive his next dose. 

Grocery shopping Mr. Ev style

Baby girl had a fever today, so we couldn't make it to the grocery store.  Mr. E volunteered himself to stop by on the way home from work, so he asked me to text him the list.  I did.  Then I went back to tending to our tiny, grumpy, sick baby girl.  Just now, I found a text from him that he must have sent at the grocery store.  It read:

"Is it ok if the condoms aren't organic."

Keepin the romance alive with sweet sarcasm. Aw yeah.
(and organic condoms)

Really, Bourne Legacy? really?

Preface: I LOVE Jason Bourne movies.  And there are spoilers in this post.

After watching Bourne Legacy (4th movie)

Me:  The 4th movie was ok, but after that guy was like, "Call in Bangkok," I was like, omg, really?! So you kill off all your secret guys, and then use another secret guy that we supposedly didn't know about to kill off the last secret guy who won't die.  I mean, c'mon.

Him: They had TONS of programs going, they were the next generation, they were better-

Me: Uh huh, yeah, haven't heard that plot line before.  At some point, you just need to stop.

Him: I want to see this generation fight the last one to see who will win...

Me: Like Jason Bourne and this new guy are fighting?

Him: Exactly...

Me: They're all sweaty, grunting, and fighting to the death and then suddenly they stop and laugh at each other and Jason Bourne is all, "Hey man, how about we just go grab a beer..."

Him:  And then that music clip at the end sounds


PS - What I really think they need to do is have these two kids (Bourne and whatever that guy's name was... we'll just call him wolf molester...) pair up and destroy each corrupt politician one at a time.  You can only have so many secret assassins, and let's face it, we all know that Jason Bourne would end them all if it came down to it.